An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the

corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over

a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the

pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus

approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for

the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The

arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he

lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had

all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table

in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong?" says Jesus.

The Scouser shouts, "F*ck off, I'm on disability benefit!"

a man in the pub, gets really drunk and decides to leave.. but he stands up and falls flat on his face.. so he tried gettin up and fell again.. and thought fuk it i might need fresh air.. he crawled outside went to stand up and fell over again, and again he tried and fell.. so he crawled home went 2 put the key in door and fell flat on his face again.. finally got in.. crawled upstairs got in bed and got woke up by his wife shoutin at him.. " youve been fuckin drinkin again.." he said howd u know? .. cos the pub rang u left ur fukin wheelchair there.

^lol, your trying to sort of the tub, no your not, your posting random bullshit on this thread.

FUCKING SCAMMER 

hey anyone wanna here another yo momma joke,i gott a whole lot of them

a cop sittin under a bridge with radar. woman speeds by and he pulls her over. he says i pulled u over for speeding why where u speedin. she says i was late for work. cop says what do u do for work? she says stretch ass holes. cop asks how u do that. she says i start wit one finger and then 2 and then my fist and stretch it to about 6 feet tall. cop asks why the fuck would sombody need a 6 foot tall ass hole??? she says so they can sit under a bridge with a radar gun lmao........cost of ticket $300.00 cost for court $150.00 coast for the look on cops face priceless

a cop pulls a women over for speeding the cop says do u no how fast u were going

she says yes officer i do and i also hav a gun in center console and a dead body in my trunk u might want to call ur sgt

sgt arrives and says so the officer tells me u hav a gun in ur center console and a dead body in ur trunk

she reply's next thing he will say is i was speeding

The Snake Model

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are laps.

4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not throw up in the car.

11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. And, finally, My last question . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?