How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

Q. Whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

A. Acne comes on your face after you turn 13

1. What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

Work or Prison?

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work, you spend most of your

time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to

pay for it.

In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with

more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work, you must carry around a

security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing

games.

In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share.

In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you cannot even speak to your

family and friends.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all

the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, they are called managers.

Q: Why do arabian women put a red dot on their foreheads?

A: Helps for better aiming.

Q: What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumband blind girl?

A: Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics?

A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

I'm trying to keep them clean and non offensive...it's just so damn hard

there was a tournament between 4 country about who has the most unclean man.

the first participan went all out cutting one of his arm and bleed all over the stage.

the second participan when all around the stage while pooping while he walk.

the third participan take a breather and the puke his luch,breakfask and diner all around the stage.

lastly the fourth participan eat everything on the stage.

Then a challenger appeared: France. Sorry folks, game over.

What did  Micheal Jackson blow in the Bath

Bubbles

What was Elvis presleys last hit

The Bathroom Floor

IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP

SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Society

Somebody else must have something, come on!

Here's one, although it's a bit different that the previous jokes.

( not trying to turn this into a funny images thread, this was just a REALLY good joke )

Last edited by kingtommy 14 years ago