How many emo's does it take to change a light blub?

None! They all sit in the dark crying

How many Irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

100! 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and 98 to turn the house.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? 

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

How many cowboys does it take to change a light bulb?

two. one to change it and another to sing about how they'll miss the old one.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

three. one to do it and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.

I'm very vsorry to those who feels hurts because of what i wrote above

Though i enjoyed this.

This is a prison game, and most of these jokes are pretty lude. If anybody is offended, they can sit in the dark crying.

Old Man Johnson is getting home from the bar where he got severely sloshed. There's a squad car patrolling around the block, containing two officers who are catching sight of the old man who was beelining across the sidewalk.

"Hey Jim! Look at Old Man Johnson, got trashed again."

"Poor old slob. Hey lookit - what's he doing there?"

The two cops squint to look over at Old Man Johnson, who was going to work on his door with something in his hand that, obviously, didnt get the lock open. "Hold on, I'm gonna go check it out."

Jim gets out of the car and approaches the drunkard, who was trying to insert a cigar stub in the keyhole. "Good evening Mister Johnson.... had some drinks tonight huh."

"Yeah, I really got shitfaced tonight, " Old Man Johnson slurs, "but I can't get in ma f**ckin door for some reason."

Jim looks at the cigar stub, and tries not to laugh as he points the fact out. "I think it's because you're using a cigar stub."

Old Man Johnson looks more closely at the item between his fingers.

"Awwww f*ck!!! I smoked my key again!!"

Marriage - Before & After

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top

 Thats a good one Vulgate i'll have to write this one down bro its a good one

A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a sex shop to get her something to keep her amused.

On his way home he goes to a little sex shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.

"Your looking for something special?"

"Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat"

The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.

"Whats so special about that?" asks the man

"Watch... Voodoo dildo door"

To the mans suprise the dildo rises from the box and starts fucking the keyhole of the door.

"Voodoo dildo box"

The dildo stops and drops back into its box.

"Thats amazing i'll take it"

After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.

After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.

"Voodoo dildo my pussy"

The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out.

A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.

In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see's this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.

"Have you been drinking?"

"No" The now destrought woman replys

"A voodoo dildo is shagging me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed"

"Voodoo dildo" the officer laughs "My arse"

and then you know the rest

So, the elephant looks at the naked man... and says...

"You breathe through that little thing?"

A man has been stranded for two whole years on a desert island. He's been surviving in the strictest meaning of the word. One morning, as he was sitting on the beach looking at the water all around, he notices a dark mass under the water and before he knows it, out comes a stunningly gorgeous woman with blonde hair and hugs jugs, dressed in a diving suit.

"Hey there, have you been stuck on this island for long?"

"For two whole years."

"Do you smoke?"

"I didn't smoke in two whole years but I'd love to have a cigarette about now."

She starts to unzip the front of her suit,  reaching inside and pulling out a cuban cigar. The man lights it and favors it like it was a gift of God.

"Do you drink?"

"Haven't had a drink for two whole years. I could do with a beer."

She unzips a bit more, pulling out a flask of whisky. The man pours himself a cup (well, a coconut cup) and takes the time to appreciate its scent and flavor.

The man has now a cigar and a nice cup of whisky, but the lady looks at him some more.

"You've been all alone with yourself for two years, you must be pretty bored. I think I have something for you to play with that you will like just as much."

As she starts unzipping herself all the way down, the man gasps.

"Don't tell me you got golf clubs in there too!!!"

vulgate & winterage those were great