Google search "kanye west VMAs" and you might find something.

This old lady walks in the sex shop and she's shaking like all hell. Clerk figures out she's just really old and is starting to have a bit of parkinson's.

The lady approaches the young man and raises a shaky hand, seized with tremors!

"Excuse me young man, I was wondering if you had the Double-G-Spot-Hitting Mega Blaster?"

The young man thought quick, almost disgusted by just thinking of such a big dildo inside this tiny old lady.

"Yes, I believe we do, but... It's not the best toy out there."

"I just have a quick question about it...' started the lady, shaking like a leaf.

"It uses up a lot of battery, and it doesn't have a lot of options compared to..."

The lady snaps at the young clerk, tremblin' as if she was freezing.

"I don't care about that, I just want to know how to turn the damn thing off!!"

haha, I knew where that joke was going from the second line

well, it's funnier when you act it out, of course. But I'll keep contributing!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

The joke was ruined for me due to underlining. I read the punchline first because it stood out.

Good one though.

There's this gorgeous woman on the plane, but she's really blonde. I mean, like platinum.

She was sitting  in first class, but her ticket said 'economic class'. The attendants have been trying to explain the situation to her so she could move, but she would not budge from her seat.

"I'm blonde, I'm pretty, and I'm going to New York." She kept telling them.

"Miss," one said almost aggravatedly, "This gentleman has a ticket to this seat. you have to go back to your own seat, with the number written on your ticket. Right here."

"Uhh, hello! Obviously you didn't hear me: I'm blonde, I'm pretty, and I'm going to New York~"

Eventually the flight attendants took the debate to the captain, who listened patiently.

"Hmm. She's blond you say? Step over, my wife is blonde. I know how to handle them."

The captain walked down to meet the blonde woman and simply whispered something down her ear.

Startled, the blonde jumped out of her seat, and scrambled away fuming. "Why didn't you guys say so before!!"

The stewardesses look at the captain in amazement as he returned to his seat a humble hero.

"Wow, Captain! What is that you told her?"

"I just told her that first class was going to Boston."

There was a cute little white bunny hoppin around the forest, and suddenly nature calls and the little bunny find a place by a big tree to ... well to go.

As he's getting bizzy there's a huge bear that appears and squats down right next to the little bunny.

(Now, up at this point the bunny's job is done just from seeing this mountain of muscle next to him. And he doesnt mind the smell either.)

The bear looks down at the little bunny for a second.

"Do you end up with shit in your fur sometimes, from taking a crap?"

The bunny is just shakin like a leaf. Poor thing could have been sweating bullets as it shyly replied.

"Well..... you know, it happens sometimes...."

The bear keeps looking at the bunny still. "Does it bother you when that happens?"

The bunny is ready to bolt, but stays there. Maybe the bear won't eat him after all.

"Well, not really, it eventually washes off, I guess..."

Then the bear grabs the bunny and uses it to wipe his ass.

~I will NOT let this thread die!!!~

So these two flies are sitting on a turd. One farts; the other looks at her and says: "Do you mind? I'm trying to eat."

Harry stayed at the bar after hours to have a few drinks with the bartender. As they drank they started talking about past sexual conquests. This is Harry's story: "The other night I tried this new shortcut to get home see? I had to walk by the railroad tracks and what do I find? The sexiest chick I've ever seen. I took her home and f*cked her in every position imaginable: behind, upside down, on top, and all over my appartment." The bartender whistled. "That's quite the story Harry but do tell me; did she give good blowjobs?" Harry looked up from his glass and said: "I don't know, I left her head at the railroad tracks."